♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
Oh!
It smells like a truck stop diner in here.
There's a spot at the counter, ma'am.
Ah! Sorry, that seat's taken.
By whom?
Morning.
Oh, Jack. I didn't know you were here.
Oh, good. Well, that explains Frankie's spread.
Does it? I am only one man.
Oh, you are a hoot.
Here. Now eat up.
Oh, Jack. I'm sorry that Hawaii fell apart.
But when Nick gets back from the Caymans, we should make a new plan.
Sounds great. I'm just sorry Nick couldn't join us for Frankie's birthday.
Yeah, he's all torn up that he missed laser tag and pizza.
Uh-oh! All right, big guy, out you go.
- Shouldn't I leave the plate? - No, it's recyclable.
Oh.
Have a good day at the office.
I'm still retired.
Jeez, some people just never know when to say goodbye.
So, I'm-I'm glad you and Jack are doing so well,
but you won't be if you keep shoving him out the door.
I mean, you should be a little more considerate.
I am considerate.
I let him be Sulu last night while I was Spock.
I beg you not to tell me what that means.
- We boldly go where no man has gone be... - I begged you.
Good morning.
Oh, there's my big guy.
Hey, big guy.
Yeah, it didn't feel good for me, either.
- Ready to roll? - I am.
Um... As you know, Grace,
I was sick with the 24-hour bird flu on my birthday.
So Jacob and I are celebrating today by playing laser tag.
You would not believe how good this lady is at laser tag.
Yeah, and at getting over bird flu.
I'm sorry, could you give us a moment?
Sure, I'll just take this outside.
Maybe I can find a football team on the beach to share it with.
You are a hoot!
Out you go.
What the hell is going on here? I thought you picked Jack.
Oh, Grace, I love that big, beautiful, simple mind of yours.
But we are having the time of our lives,
and so, I have decided not to choose.
And it's working out perfectly.
Do they know that?
Well, I told them both in a dream, so I'm sure on some level they know.
So you're two-timing them.
No, I am one-at-a-timing them, simultaneously.
This is not gonna end well.
Who says it has to end?
Why can't I just keep dating my J-Rock and my, um...
I want to say J-Bird.
Yeah, that's why. You could never keep anything straight.
You've seen Dog Day Afternoon 500 times
and you still think the cop is Jack Warden.
- Oh, he is so terrifying in that film. - It's Charles Durning.
No, no, no, no. Charles Durning is Brian Dennehy.
- What? - See, I have it all figured out.
And frankly, who eats my bacon is none of your business.
These are from my drone race. Came in third.
They're kind of blurry 'cause I was going pretty fast.
Incredible.
Thanks, Dad.
It's like she knew where it was supposed to go and she put it almost exactly there.
The doctor said her visuospatial skills are off the charts.
And this morning, I'm pretty sure I heard her say "pomegranate."
And I'm pretty sure she just took a poo-poo in her pants.
Because she's smart enough not to hold it in.
Who's our little genius?
Last week our little genius was trying to eat that puzzle,
so let's not go crazy here.
Mmm... Maybe she is a genius, maybe she isn't.
But until she's old enough to tell us, we'll never know.
Oh, God, are you starting this again?
I'm not sending my saliva to some DNA website.
But what if her grandmother was a great pianist,
and we're wasting her talent taking her to archery?
Who's taking her to archery?
She can't even handle a fork.
What about your side of the family, huh?
Maybe all the geniuses come from there.
Doubt it. All the smart ones died in the Dust Bowl.
I do understand where Allison's coming from.
Hmm.
When you were a kid, we were constantly having to tell doctors,
"We don't know, we don't know."
And I turned out just fine.
We don't know, we don't know.
I know you don't want to know about your biological family.
But for Faith's sake?
Yeah, maybe she was descended from Mozart.
It doesn't matter who you're descended from.
Mozart wasn't descended from Mozart, and he did pretty well.
Here's a novel idea: how about we just let the baby be a baby,
and let the parents be parents,
and somebody please change that diaper.
- Your turn. - Fine.
I'm just gonna leave my drone video up, if anyone wants to check it out.
Quit talking over Faith! I think she just said something.
Yeah, she did. She said, "You can't choose your family."
Ignore him.
Maybe in time, Bud will come around.
Or maybe we'll have to go behind his back,
swab some saliva from his mouth guard,
and send it off to YourGeneMap-dot-com.
You didn't.
Six weeks ago. The results should arrive any day now.
Oh, you're good.
I know.
Bud still thinks we met "by chance."
What?
No, no, no, see, it's a toilet that rises up automatically.
Okay.
You too.
Let me guess, they said no.
No. They said, "No, thank you."
Which is progress.
At this rate of progress, we'll hit 60 rejections by the end of today.
Well, we could hit more if you also made calls.
I am too busy solving our problems with two words:
Desert Topaz.
Casino.
Desert Topaz Casino Resort and Spa.
Two words: no.
I am not getting lost on the way to see Carrot Top with you again.
If we hadn't gotten lost,
we never would have run into Carrot Top at that Ruby Tuesday.
Oh, that wasn't Carrot Top!
He had red hair and a trunk, who cares?
I'm trying to tell you they're having open auditions for Shark Tank
at Desert Topaz this weekend.
You want me to go to a cattle call for a reality show? Pass!
We would kill on that show!
I'm very telegenic.
And you'd be there, too.
Sorry. Sorry, I know you're working.
I've just got to get some info on that artwork Nick wants to sell at Christie's.
I am actually really happy you're here.
Would you please explain to Frankie why we shouldn't go on a reality show?
Uh, because Nick's wife number three was on Real Housewives?
- She was? - Only for two episodes.
She got a DUI, which got her a spin-off.
Oh, Danielle.
She tried to cut off her ankle monitor.
And that's the kind of person who goes on reality television.
But not the kind of person who goes on Shark Tank.
Shark Tank?
Ooh.
That's not a bad idea, actually.
You're not serious.
Well, even if you don't get funding, you get great exposure.
Exactly.
I started two businesses, okay?
I shouldn't have to audition with a bunch of amateurs.
They have entrepreneurs of all levels with some great products.
That's how we snagged the Mop-A-Doodle.
What does the Mop-A-Doodle do?
I sound like a rooster.
It takes the dirt on your floor and it makes it into floor art.
Why would anyone buy one of those?
Beats me.
- How many do you have? - Three.
I've got Mop-A-Doodle Lite, Mop-A-Doodle Pro, and Mop-A-Doodle Don't.
Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
It's an investor, and he's calling us back.
Okay, Grace, it's do-or-die.
It's this guy or Shark Tank.
I did not agree to that.
Hello, Mr. Swanson, I'm so glad to hear from you.
Yeah, uh, it's...
Oh.
Okay.
Well, toilets are about to have a big moment,
and I'm so sorry you won't be part of it.
Okay, Grace, you win.
Shark Tank it is.
"To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's."
I think she's getting it.
Well, if she is getting it,
then maybe you shouldn't be reading her a book about murder.
I was halfway to my dermatologist's when Bud's DNA results came in,
and I thought, "This carbuncle can wait. I got to get to Sol."
Hi, my baby.
- Aww. - Well, let's see what it says.
Oh, yeah.
You realize, if you both look together,
it doesn't make either of you any less guilty.
If we're guilty of anything, it is of caring about Faith's future.
And I think it does make us a little less guilty.
Okay, under genetic traits, it says that Bud
may be prone to lactose intolerance and heavy earwax.
How much did that test cost?
Oh, my God! He may also have Olympic-level athletic ability?
Frankie always wanted to put him on a curling team,
but I said no.
If I'd only known.
We could be sitting pretty now, living off his curling endorsements.
Where does it say if Bud's related to a genius
or descended from anyone famous?
Oh, I think you have to click "Share and Find Out More" to see.
Should we "Share and Find Out More"?
- I don't see why not. - Really?
You don't see why not?
You share Bud's info and then what?
You reach out to a family member behind his back?
What? Don't be crazy. We're not contacting anyone.
What we're doing is totally innocent. It's called cyber-stalking.
You shut me up.
So? Should we do it?
Let's do it.
Oh, my God. There's a match!
Of course there is.
Hello, Sharks, I'm Frankie Bergstein.
Hello, no one, I'm Grace Hanson.
- And this is a... - Waste of time.
Hey, your way has not worked. Now cut the sass, toots, and get to it.
Fine.
Did you know that there are 40,000 toilet injuries
each year across the contiguous United States?
Imagine what that count would be
if we included Hawaii, Alaska, and Guam.
I'm out.
Excuse me?
I'm sorry. That's just what the Sharks say.
Look, business lady,
if you have suggestions for our pitch, speak up.
Yeah. Or if... if you don't think we should do it at all,
feel free to say that, too.
Okay. It was god-awful and bored me to tears.
She's playing hardball, Grace. This is great.
How is this great?
We have our very own Shark.
With our aging population, more seniors are at risk of injury in the bathroom.
Or worse, death by toilet.
I'm out.
♪ Bah diddily dee dop ♪
♪ The toilet rising may be surprising ♪
♪ But if you've got no core You won't be on the floor ♪
♪ Skiddily pah ♪
I'm way out.
She's tough.
Well, you know, we gave it our best skiddily-bee-bop try.
Maybe we're just not cut out for Shark Tank.
Why won't you make us an offer, damn it?
Because you're not giving me a compelling reason to.
The Sharks aren't just investing in a product.
They're investing in a story.
What is your story? How'd you come up with the idea for this?
Well, we have a great story.
Uh, it's a great private story.
Yes, Grace got stuck on the can big-time.
Well, there goes the private part.
Wait, hold it. You got stuck on the toilet?
Please keep that between us.
She was all alone. It was pretty dire.
And then we realized, if it happened to me,
it's probably happening to a lot of other people.
So we created this thing to help all those people.
That's fantastic. All you have to do is tell that story on Shark Tank.
- Ah. - I'm out.
There are hundreds of Jordan Scotts on Facebook.
How are we supposed to know which one is his cousin?
We go through each one till we find whoever is most Bud-like.
Just look for the guy who irons his T-shirts.
What about this guy? He likes food porn and... porn-porn.
No, porn-porn makes Bud cry.
Oh, this Jordan Scott hurt himself pretty bad on a Razor scooter.
Doesn't mean he isn't a genius.
You don't feel bad about stealing your son's bodily fluids
and then stalking his cousin?
I would feel guilty if I didn't do it.
- Oh, no. - What?
It's Jordan Scott. Oh, God. He sent us a message.
- How can he do that? - Well, if we can see him, he can see us!
That doesn't seem right.
Oh, God. He wants to meet us.
He doesn't want to meet you. He wants to meet Bud.
- I told you this would happen. - You didn't tell me this would happen!
If you had told me this would happen, I wouldn't have done it!
Well, I don't know how the Internet works.
Neither do I.
We were very wrong to do this.
Wow, my apple just looks like an apple.
I'm not angry with Grace!
Huh?
All right, you've pulled it out of me. I'm very angry with Grace.
Should I pull some more out of you?
All right, I'll bite.
Grace is bailing on me.
She's closing the lid on Shark Tank.
Well, when God closes one lid, she opens another one.
Thank you, Jack.
That was very insightful.
I learned a lot in the bin.
Oh, I-I was still painting that.
Want to check your phone?
Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
Perhaps I do.
Hmm.
I'll be right back.
I just remembered I got to go, be back in a second.
Okay.
- There she is. - And she is confused that here he is.
- What are you doing here? - I was at the farmer's market,
and I saw these beautiful cheeses.
Cheese picnic. Great idea.
You go set up on the patio.
And I'll come out with the candy corn as soon as I finish my painting.
- I'd love to see what you're working on. - No!
Uh, I mean, it's kind of a surprise. For-For me.
And I'd hate for you to tell me what it is.
I almost understand that.
Okay, I'll meet you outside.
Ah, great.
And I'll go change into my cheese-eating pants.
- Oh, my. - I thought we deserved a little relaxation
after all that painting.
Um...
Chugging contest?
Oh, no, no. This is a really nice bottle.
You know, a famous yet controversial sommelier once told me
the best way to enjoy a red is to speed-drink it.
Really?
What are you, a narc? Drink it.
Mm.
I can't say I agree with that sommelier.
Well, I'm beat.
I think it's time for me to take a nap.
Oh, a nap for two sounds perfect.
Um, all right. Well, why don't you get started,
and I will go change into my napping pants.
Hey.
Oh, no, thanks, I've got a pretty good buzz going already.
But I just opened it.
Oh, well, you've got some catching up to do, fella.
You know, I've really missed little moments like this.
- Mm-hmm. - Just you and me,
good food, gorgeous view.
I have, too. I could sit here all day.
Or for the length of one adult male's REM cycle.
I love the way your mind works.
Is there enough Brie for three?
Crazy dream we're all having, huh?
What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
What you're going to do is tell Bud. Now.
But he's not here.
So I guess we just take this to our graves?
He's going to find out anyway.
Don't you think Jordan Scott's gonna track Bud down?
Maybe not. He's still dealing with that terrible scooter accident.
But he already has all of Bud's information.
All he has is a name.
And that name is Nwabudike Bergstein.
How many of them do you think live here in San Diego? Or anywhere?
Well, if there were even two, it could buy us some time.
You have to tell Bud before Jordan Scott does.
You both know what to do. I wash my hands of this.
Now that I've washed my hands, I'm going to make a sandwich.
He's right.
But we should lead with that Olympic athlete thing.
- What the hell is going on here? - Um...
Jack, hey.
Look who showed up for a surprise picnic.
And no one knew he was coming.
Why are you wearing Frankie's robe?
- Why are you feeding her cheese? - I don't know. She likes cheese?
Okay, guys, the good news is it's all out in the open now,
and I know I feel relieved.
- Frankie, how could you do this to me? - And me.
Are you two really upset, or is this just society telling you to be upset?
No. I'm really upset.
And I'm wearing a ladies' rainbow robe.
That robe is gender neutral.
Frankie, what did you think was going to happen here?
I don't know, but we were all having so much fun.
But we didn't know that "we" were having fun.
W-We thought "we" were having fun.
And I can't do "we."
Wait, J-Rock...
I'm J-Rock! Because I worked in the music biz, remember?
No, I'm J-Rock. 'Cause I'm solid as a rock.
Well, who is J-Bird?
I can only assume it's another guy you're stringing along.
Oh, I'm sorry. I should have been honest with both of you.
But Jack, I didn't expect to fall for you so fast.
And Jacob, I didn't know I was gonna feel so much when you showed up.
Oh, the hives are back.
This goddamn patio!
You know, I probably should have left when I knew you weren't dying,
but I definitely should leave now.
- No! Don't go! - Well, then I'll go.
No! Nobody move.
I have feelings for both of you.
But you don't feel enough for either of us to want to give up the other,
and that's not going to work for me.
Yes, but aren't you both flattered
that I'm messing up my relationship with one of you for the other?
Well, which one's which?
I guess that's our answer.
Wanna go grab a drink?
No.
Hi, I'm Grace Hanson.
Well, you don't even know what I'm going to say. I...
Yes, it is about a toilet.
Okay, goodbye.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What's happening? Where is that going?
Uruguay. This one's already sold.
No, but that-that one has to stay here.
I'm sorry, Nick thought you didn't like it
since you had it moved into the bathroom.
Because the bathroom is the perfect place to appreciate a statue.
I mean, you're just sitting there.
Right. It's a shame all those dummies who made sculpture gardens
didn't think of that.
It helps me get off the toilet, okay?
I throw a towel over her neck and hoist myself up with it.
Oh, gee, if only there were a product to help someone with that.
Sarcasm noted.
So I take it Nick doesn't know why you invented this toilet?
No, no, he thinks Frankie came up with this
so she could reach her bathroom Fig Newmans.
I'm not gonna ask.
Well, see, that's the beauty of that story.
Well, now I get why you don't want to go on Shark Tank.
Yeah. Hey, listen, you were married to the guy.
How do you think Nick would react to me telling him why we really started this?
I get it. It's not something anybody wants to tell a new husband.
And if this were the Nick that I was married to,
I would say 100 percent do not tell him.
But he's a different guy now,
and he really loves you.
Yeah, I know he does. But once that image is in his head...
Well, I think we can both agree intimacy is gross.
But if that's what you really want with Nick...
No, what I want is to keep that statue.
Yeah. Unfortunately, so does the president of Uruguay.
Sorry.
Oh.
Just out of curiosity, how did you manage
before you moved the statue into the bathroom?
I had Frankie.
She busted in like one of those Kool-Aid men and rescued me.
I'd probably still be there if it wasn't for her.
You would if you called me.
You're lucky. Frankie's a good one.
Yes, she is.
So let me get this straight.
You went behind my back and stole my DNA?
Our curiosity got the better of us.
We just wanted to help Faith cure cancer.
Do you hear how insane that sounds?
- I'm so sorry. - On the upside, you do have Olympic genes.
Damn it. I knew I would've been good at curling.
You see how dangerous this is?
Now I'm going to be thinking about my dashed curling dreams all night.
We've done a terrible thing. What can we do to fix this?
Just shut down the account. I don't want to know anything else,
and I don't want to talk about this anymore.
We totally respect that, but...
No. I don't want to hear it.
I'm sorry, but you have to.
No, I don't have to. You're not my real dad.
Bud, you have a real cousin, and he wants to meet you.
Frankie, are you all right?
Oh, God, another China Bucket coma.
I told you last time not to eat the whole Great Wall of Wontons.
You were right. It did not end well.
Not the wontons, not dating both guys. The whole thing just blew up.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I was double-timing, and I was double-dumped.
So now I'm eating double dumplings.
Yeah, well, that's the trajectory.
- I guess. - Yeah.
I wanted everything to be light and fun. I didn't want anyone to get hurt.
Eventually, somebody always wants more.
Surprisingly, it wasn't me.
Why are you eating your feelings?
Nick sold my bathroom statue.
Okay, we can deal with that.
Every time you need to go, just call me.
I can be there in ten minutes, give or take a few traffic laws.
That's not gonna work.
Right. So we'll live-stream your bathroom to my phone.
- So as soon as you walk in... - Frankie.
Okay, let's go over there right now and rig up something else.
I can figure it out, don't you worry.
You would do that, wouldn't you?
- Do what? - Just drop everything for me.
What other solution is there?
There's only one.
- We gotta go. - Where?
To Desert Topaz.
We're gonna tell our story.
You know, if we do this, Nick is gonna find out.
Well, I'm well aware of that.
But I'm not doing this business with Nick. I'm doing it with my best friend.
Yeah, you are!
Let's go catch us a shark.
- Let's do it. - Yeah.
♪ I got dreams, y'all ♪
♪ Big old pie in the sky Hopes are high ♪
♪ Crazy dreams, y'all ♪
♪ Talk about it ♪
♪ Bucket list full of ignorance is bliss ♪
♪ And fancy little things, y'all Twinkling in my eye ♪
♪ Hopin' that I live to see it all Before I die ♪
♪ I heard about the power of intention ♪
♪ Did I forget to mention I just wanna get paid ♪
- ♪ A million dollars a day ♪ - ♪ Gimme that money ♪
♪ Gimme that money, gimme that money ♪
- ♪ A million dollars a day ♪ - ♪ Show me that money ♪
♪ Show me that money, show me that money ♪
- ♪ I just want to get paid ♪ - ♪ Gimme that money ♪
♪ Gimme that money, gimme that money ♪
- ♪ A million dollars a day ♪ - ♪ Show me that money ♪
♪ Show me that money, show me that money ♪
- ♪ A million dollars a day ♪ - ♪ Gimme that money, gimme that money ♪
♪ Show me that money, yeah ♪
Okay, good night!